Camaron Que se Duerme...

It was a morning of revelations.

In a state of half-sleep, I thought I heard my mother's voice, she asked...when do you go in to work today? I muttered something and dozed out.

In a rush to leave home a little early in order to try and get a workout in before work, I gathered my things and caught a shortcut down the railroad tracks that take me to that hellish bus stop that takes about an hour, that is always running late, for a bus to arrive. 

This time, however, I was early. When the bus came, out of courtesy I gestured the go ahead to an elderly lady whom was also waiting; She did not move. The bus drove off. I waved and hollered at it, but it kept moving,

My mother's voice chimed in, camaron que se duerme se lo lleva la corriente.

I grew hot, raging. Why didn't she move! I looked at her, wondering, and she just returned a blank stare; then I thought about the asshole bus driver and then re-directed anger towards him.

I then realized the only anger to re-direct toward the inside; why was I so upset? Should I be angry at the world or at myself?

The moment reminded of a scene in A Scanner Darkly, where the lines “the pain clears away the cobwebs” are uttered, and afterwards there occurs a flash, a moment of realization, whereupon one understands that the anger directed at another, brought about by the pain, stems from oneself. It wasn't the bus driver or the elderly lady; It was my stupidity.

I need a car and I need more money. Why haven't I acquired those things? and many other things? Perhaps my ambition for money and cars is not strong enough. Perhaps what I want is unrealistic, because what I can afford right now seems very little. Shall I take these as a blessing?

The pain clears away the cobwebs.

The pain reveals what is concealed.

no pain no gain.

In this way, it would seem I have experienced utter institutionalization. Circumstances seem to condition one to take their carefully crafted feelings of cruelty out on local citizens, i.e. "I feel wronged and I will take it out on the first person I see." This is blind fury. This is counterproductive-revolution. This is madness. This is two people fighting with each other for no apparent reason, or rather misplaced reasons.

As a Piscean, I sit back and allow the corriente to take me. Shh, ma. I want to go with the flow. I like sleeping, at least for a little bit. Wake me when we get there. I'm tired. Let me sleep. Things make more sense there. I don't feel in control there, yet everything seems ok. In this world, I am in control, in control of that which gradually crumbles. The dream world makes as much sense as the real world. What's that? Another shooting? What's that another kidnapping? What's that? Another corrupt official? What's that? Another war? What's that? Hu? Wha? Wha..z..

ah...but the world has its nice-ness to it as well; it's a matter of finding it or working at it. Mama said there'd be days like this.


References:
The Zodiac
Popular folk adages
Richard Linklater, A Scanner Darkly (2006) / Philip K. Dick

The Shirelles