Curse Words

Sometimes I wake up feeling suffocated, lonely, and with a mild sense of panic. I have no "beautiful" description to convey the feeling(s), and this highlights the measure of my communicative skills, but I think it also makes me more of a human and less of a writer. My communication (and listening) skills seem terrible (or perhaps they are); they resemble a gorilla grunting and jumping up and down while from my guts I go Oo! Oo! Oo! and point to something, expecting the person on the other side to understand.




Last night a small shadow in my room appeared to disorient me as it reflected some sort of giant reaper hovering over me, which confused my sense of location. It was a simple shadow cast in the shape of an "M" inside my room. I knew it wasn't real, even though I saw it there, over me. I attributed the response to psychological projection. Demon's in my subconscious closet. I think that I think I "think" too much (do you know what I mean?), and this makes me crazy, or stupid, or both.

If I'm insane, 
It's this "game" that's made me change.

I turn to my red desk and see countless articles of GovernMENTAL power, ESPeCIAlly ones that tie plausible speculations to conspiracy theory, religious prophecy, parapsychology, pataphysics, and (f)art. On top sits an article detailing the "Georgia Guidestones" next to one about DARPA and techno-bio network systems next to one about ISIS next to another one about Isis, goddess of love. There's too much information (and shit) and my mind is scattered and shattered in bits and pieces within each sentence and paragraph that I have underlined and noted. Enumerations and itemization being schematized and systematized into a coherent rhizomatic web. For what purpose? I'll get back you on that...I'm still untangling these things as they further entangle me in a loop that ensnares in the reverb. I'm certain that all those texts swim around in the mind/subconscious somewhere.

I laid there staring up at this shadow and start thinking.

Is the lack of headlines about people dying in the streets of America making me crazy? is it? Am I a hypocrite for getting paid by the state while criticizing the state? Did I miss something in class? in life? Why don't I "get it", whatever "it" is? Why do I have so much trouble following the program? Why should I worry about the supermarket price of Fall fruits in a Califonian Winter? Why did I cry when I read aloud the Shema Yisrael? Why did I cover my eyes? Why is it hard for me to forgive my parents? What does the history of the West have to do with the way I feel right now?



Perhaps...



In the end it's all a big fuck you. All the tears and fears and the pain and feelings resemble a grain of sand that gets soaked in the oceans' ebb and flow, and you remain silent and reserved with the other grains that make up a larger landscape. And there's no reason why the water soaks you, it just does and that's the way it goes, back and forth. And then you start to think that probably Love does not exist and that the grain of sand next to you is there by chance; and that it's better off to abandon your humanity and become complete gritty sand, but there's none to abandon in the first place since it was ditched way before you were born. Someone gave a big fuck you to it a long time ago and they're giving it a big fuck you to it today. Take a look out your window. That man pushing the shopping cart that contains no groceries. Big fuck you. Lady sleeping in the park bench. Major F.U. The cop (outs) just doing a Mcjob. ALL CAPS FUCK YOU (this includes me). The game is rigged for you to say, "and a big shout out to all the fuck yous" 



But... 



then you start realizing that abandonment, the expletives, the Blaspheming, is what the obscene wants, even desires. Perhaps you realize and might question that maybe this world, the one built by genius of humanity, wants you to Curse. Wants us cursing each other. Wants you to use curse words. Wants us to kill each other slowly with spells of curse. That perhaps this world forces your solitude into loneliness, because that's when fear can seep in a lot easier, and after the fear settles in, you start cursing and casting spells on others, and, inadvertently, yourself. Cursing, which causes abandonment and cynicism, and which spells hex hex hex. Cursing your neighbor and the other, and an "other" and your brother and your mOther...until your humanity is slowly shred and pulverized that you indeed become that gritty grain of sand. Yet, even then, there is still an essence and form of "is-ness" that seems to remain "you." But, I'm not here to polish. I leave that to those that know what they're doing.

This is just as reminder--it's not a completely cursed world.

Mexican Archetypes

Nostalgic tunes
"drunken father figures playing music really loud, yeah." -El Random Hero

From "Echoic Childhood Memories"
El Random Hero's Blog
(http://justarandomhero.blogspot.com/2014/10/echoic-childhood-memories.html)

nada nada limonada

It's payday and I have performed another magic trick: as soon as the money comes, it goes--POOF! I'm back to "normal," hustling for petty change and breadcrumbs here and there, helping students with their papers about pro-choice, pro-life, and no-choice and no-life, and my life at coffee and tea shops. And, it's another 2 weeks of re-telling myself to hold on, to keep writing, to keep job hunting, and that I still have my freedom. That it could be worse. That the science steam engine still flows from my nostrils and that the steel and iron creatures of industry provide me with the motivational forces that balance my feet in the current space and time. Instead of stepping on the Nepalese rugs of the coffee shop, I could be making them.


And...around the time I'm about to lose my mind in the uncertainty of the morrow, I take to the water. The water seems to consume every fractured fiber in my nonsense conscious, and after twirling and twisting about, I am spat back out in some sort of reconfiguration. In the pool, it's the bleach. In the ocean, it's the salt. The salt is more effective at it that the bleach. Remember Lot's wife. Destruction & Transformation


Then...when I take things so seriously that they blind me and that in turn reflect a petty and comic worldview, I put on the blinders, being so lucky to have blinders, and go to sleep. Then, at meetings, we talk about what we talk about when we talk about what we are talking about when we are suppose to talk about talking. And when the workday is over, my lungs are exhausted from talking and questioning and my mind feels duller from feelings of being unable to puzzle a coherent thesis or topic sentence anymore-Just go with the list. Here is a template: if A, then B; thus, rationale. While XYZ, ABC, and therefore and thereby whereby the mess therein and the mess wherein reflects the nonsense conscious which illustrates and highlights the twilight of the nada nada limonada.

56k connections

"What is it? tell me, tell me tell me tell me!" she urged through a screen of smoke created from rolled up shag and zig-zag. The speakers played nostalgia from an era of desktop 56k connections: (dial tone) beep, beep, bop, beep, bop, brreeeezzzZZzzbongbong EEEEeeee!!! kshhhhhhhh  *~ Welcome. America Online: Spice Girls, Porn, Grunge, and check your inbox: you've got spam. The solo ended and the singers voice nasally screeched, "And if you're giving in, then you're giving up."

"C'mon c'mon! let it out!"
But he had nothing to let out; in fact, the silence and lack of words ill-ustrated a void and emptiness of useless consumption and oxygen expenditure. He was tired of words and theories and rationale and explaining and saying things that ended as sounding brass or tinkling cymbals. He then then said something about a ticking clock inside his mind and something about a gun to his head, something melodramatic and stupid. He said something about it being him, referring to his embarrassingly debilitating libido. She said he was a just sad man, a lonely sad and organized book shelve man. A hide from the world man. A not even a man man. A slowly devolving primate man. A man too preoccupied with silly thoughts man.

He wiped his glasses; then, he twiddled his thumbs thinking about words while she pinched and packed tobacco fibers into a nicely rolled cigarette. She saw through him; he had a feeling that she could do this.

Everything quivered in place. The driving of cars on the i10 echoed up to the terrace; a receding siren cried out as it snaked south. The signal tower red light bulb receded in and out of the night canvas, like the phosphorescent searing embers building a mountain of grey ash on the tray.

Rebooting:reprogramming:rebirth

A problem has been detected and windows has shut down to prevent damage to your computer.

if this is the first time you've seen this Stop error screen, restart your computer. If this screen appears again, follow these steps:

Check for viruses on your computer. Remove any newly installed hard drives or hard drive controllers. Check your hard drive to make sure it is properly configured and terminated. Run CHKDSK /F to check for hard drive corruption, and then restart your computer.

Technical Information:
n0***BIOS error: 1/0 = undefined.

Beginning dump of physical memory:


ConsciousnessistheghostinthemachineConsciousnessistheghostinthemachineKonsciousnessistheghostintheいしきはマシン内のゆれいですいしきはマシン内のゆれいですいしきはマシン内のゆれいですla conciencia es el fantasma en la máquinala conciencia es el fantasma en la máquina

الوعي هو الشبح في الآلة

IamcastingaspellIamcastingaspellIamcastingaspellIamcastingaspellIamcastingaspellIamcastingaspellIamcastingaspellIamcastingaspellIamcastingaspellIamcastingaspellIamcastingaspellIamcastingaspell


Copy&paste&repeat&recite&absorb&Iamcastingaspellofwordswordswordsthatmezmerizeandhypnotize
 
John1:1John1:1
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John1:1John1:1
John1:1John1:1
John1:1John1:1
John1:1John1:1
John1:1John1:1
John1:1John1:1
John1:1John1:1
John1:1John1:1
John1:1John1:1
John1:1John1:1
John1:1John1:1
John1:1John1:1
John1:1John1:1
John1:1John1:1
John1:1John1:1

detecting drives...

3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286208998628034825342117067982148086513282306647093844609550582231725359408128481117450284102701938521105559644622948954930381964428810975665933446128475648233786783165271201909145648566923460348610454326648213393607260249141273724587006 606315588174881520920962829254091715364367892590360011330530548820466521384146951941511609433057270365759591953092186117381932611793105118548074462379962749567351885752724891227938183011949129833673362440656643086021394946395224737190702179860943702770539217176293176752384674818467669405132000568127145263560827 785771342757789609173637178721468440901224953430146549585371050792279689258923542019956112129021960864034418159813629774771309960518707211349999998372978049951059731732816096318595024459455346908302642522308253344685035261931188171010003137838752886587533208381420617177669147303598253490428755468731159562863882 353787593751957781857780532171226806613001927876611195909216420198938095257201065485863278865936153381827968230301952035301852968995773622599413891249721775283479131515574857242454150695950829533116861727855889075098381754637464939319255060400927701671139009848824012858361603563707660104710181942955596198946767 837449448255379774726847104047534646208046684259069491293313677028989152104752162056966024058038150193511253382430035587640247496473263914199272604269922796782354781636009341721641219924586315030286182974555706749838505494588586926995690927210797509302955321165344987202755960236480665499119881834797753566369807 426542527862551818417574672890977772793800081647060016145249192173217214772350141441973568548161361157352552133475741849468438523323907394143334547762416862518983569485562099219222184272550254256887671790494601653466804988627232791786085784383827967976681454100953883786360950680064225125205117392984896084128488 626945604241965285022210661186306744278622039194945047123713786960956364371917287467764657573962413890865832645995813390478027590099465764078951269468398352595709825822620522489407726719478268482601476990902640136394437455305068203496252451749399651431429809190659250937221696461515709858387410597885959772975498 930161753928468138268683868942774155991855925245953959431049972524680845987273644695848653836736222626099124608051243884390451244136549762780797715691435997700129616089441694868555848406353422072225828488648158456028506016842739452267467678895252138522549954666727823986456596116354886230577456498035593634568174 324112515076069479451096596094025228879710893145669136867228748940560101503308617928680920874760917824938589009714909675985261365549781893129784821682998948722658804857564014270477555132379641451523746234364542858444795265867821051141354735739523113427166102135969536231442952484937187110145765403590279934403742 007310578539062198387447808478489683321445713868751943506430218453191048481005370614680674919278191197939952061419663428754440643745123718192179998391015919561814675142691239748940907186494231961567945208095146550225231603881930142093762137855956638937787083039069792077346722182562599661501421503068038447734549 202605414665925201497442850732518666002132434088190710486331734649651453905796268561005508106658796998163574736384052571459102897064140110971206280439039759515677157700420337869936007230558763176359421873125147120532928191826186125867321579198414848829164470609575270695722091756711672291098169091528017350671274


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